Here's a hilarious email I received today. Some of the points are matter-of-fact and serious, but it is those matter-of-fact yet hilarious points that got me going.
This is some serious advice for localites and non-localites alike.
1. Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali.
2. Take a Taxi outside Dadar or Kurla station - all are chors.
3. Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat.
4. Call a cop Pandu.
5. Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman.
6. Get a 11 Rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty.
7. Call a BEST bus driver Bablia.
8. Buy enhancement medicines from Van - Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors.
9. Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar.
10. Ask the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips.
11. Stand in front of Amitabh/Shahrukh/Salman's house - people may laugh at you as you look stupid and it is a thorough waste of time.
12. Visit Baba Bengalis - they are neither Babas or Bengalis, they are all perverts and thugs.
13. Visit sleazy Video Parlours and get caught in a raid.
14. Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it's just a tiny 5 Rupee coin.
15. Go for a Shiv Sena rally in the hope of a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian.
16. Stare at Koli Women in Gorai and Make fun of Kolis in their Kasti. (ROTFLOL!!!!)
17. While commuting do not tease people shitting near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train
18. Hang outside the train, Poles might hit you before the crowds will.
19. Tease a Hijra.
20. Bribe a Porter to grab a seat in V.T, chances are he might run off with your money and even beat you.
21. Get conned at Fountain from Guys selling cheap Mobiles, they mesmerize and wrap soap bars.
22. Avoid pimps behinds Mondegar & Pasta Lanes.
23. Donate money to the Crying Cab driver, he has conned thousands.
24. Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house.
25. Sit for more than 20 mins extra at an Irani Cafe - the Bawa owner might shout some sister abuses.
26. Drink Neera at 5 pm at Dadar Station.
27. Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it.
28. Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park.
29. Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th.
30. Ask for a bargain at the Maharashtrian Cloth store in Dadar.
31. Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it's an escort service.
32. Call a Maharashtrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you mean.
33. Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji.
34. Look straight and walk - there are open Manholes, flicked by Druggies.
35. Wear Brown Khakis shirts - people will mistake you for BMC staff.
36. Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area.
37. Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda.
38. Ask why statues in Bombay have one finger pointed like Umpires.
39. Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport.
40. Go to Chor Bazaar in your Car or Bike.
41. Wear nice footwear to SiddiVinayak or Mahalakshmi Temple
42. Go to Haji Ali during high tides.
43. Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on.
44. Dial 100 for fun, Cops will put your entire family behind bars and use bars.
45. Buy water & tea for Chai-Pani, Old Monk should work.
46. Fall asleep on the Harbour Line, Thieves will strip you of everything.
47. Eat Missal / Ussal Pav before going to work.
48. Board a fast train in Dadar to go to Bandra - Opposite platforms and a very horrible crowd.
49. Go for midnight mass thinking you can patao chicks.
50. Give money to bhikari (he is the same guy who is @siddhivinayak on Tuesday, @mahim church wed, @mahim dargah on Thursday, and @hajiali on Friday, @mount mary on Sunday).
51. Go to an Orchestra Bar, it's nothing but the local banjo party guys in better clothes.
52. Talk to a Gujju for more than 10 mins, he will start playing garba with you
53. Go to Versova beach, it's full of shit and methi plants.
54. Join any friendship club, its like inviting blackmailers.
55. Go to Bhagwathi hospital in Borivali. (ROFL!@#!$#@!)!
56. Pronounce Sandhurst correctly, Sandas Rd makes more sense.
57. Ask where is the Chinch in Chinchpokli or Chincholi.
58. Trouble naughty couples in the A/c Buses.
59. Go for morning show in sidey theatre expecting sleazy action, you might encounter khudkushi action around you.
60. Travel from Andheri to Ghatkopar by Bus, the bus is full of pickpockets.
61. Travel ticketless on Friday - if you are caught, Anadi court is a big torture.
62. Wear a Red tie or red handkerchief and stand near Gateway or Radio Club, it's a gigolo symbol.
63. Give 100 bucks to a conductor and expect him to give you change, he will sadistically torment you till the last stop.
64. Buy cheap booze in Churchgate Subway and get caught by cops for not having permits.
65. Buy Crackers from Essabhai, Crawford Market and travel in train.
66. Go to National park with your GF/Wife and take the jungle route Robbers & Adivasis might loot you.
67. Ask for free Chakna in bars, its history since Aug 2, 2008.
68. Go to Voodoos on Saturday, its the only Gay bar between Istanbul and Bangkok.
69. Go to Navy Nagar and think you can buy booze for cheap.
70. Try to play all the instruments at Furtados in Dhobi Talao.
71. Stand close to the platform when the Rajdhani is passing, a sonic and nuclear blast of fart, shit and farsan will hit you. (ROFLMAO!!!!!)
72. Ask for extra chutney and sambhar in Udupi hotels.
73. Visit Ganga Jamuna in Tardeo thinking it's a holy place.
74. Assume that booksellers in Fountains are dumbos, they know their Pulitzers and Bookers more than us.
75. Take the driving test, paying 300 bucks makes more sense.
76. Do a court marriage in Bandra court.
77. Count the numbers of floors of Oberoi towers just because Amitabh did.
78. Bet against India in a game, Australia is the safest option.
79. Get scared and not gamble in the McDowell Derby at Mahalaksmi Race Course.
80. Note down prices or take Photos at Alfa in Irla.
81. Buy 100 bucks Windcheaters from Churchgate, they are all the ones recycled by the Bhandiwalis.
82. Search for Tigers in Borivali National Park, they will end up finding you!
83. Search the roads & gutters of Chira Bazaar & Opera House hoping to find diamonds just because the newspapers claim so.
84. All the things mentioned are NOT to be DONE in Mumbai.